Long-time readers of isoglossia.com know that this is perhaps the internet’s number one source for parenting know-how. Or at least the number two source. In the last week two sets of friends have sent the joyous news that they’ve become new parents. Others readers are to follow in the next few months, so I thought it was time to compile some of our most useful parenting know-how into one easy-to-access pile. So to speak. To accomodate these new and soon-to-be parents’ sudden micro-attention spans, I’ve put it in the form of simple bulleted lists.
Fluids — Babies arrive wet with various fluids, and this sets the tone for their first year of life:
You are now going to have vomit on you. This is not exactly permanent, but settle in for the long-term. Accepting this will be an important step.
When you cease being covered with vomit you won’t notice for a while.
‘Vomit’ here is typically a curd-like product resembling yogurt. You may stop eating yogurt for a while.
You should visit a 24-hour dairy in order to acclimate yourself to the most important new parenting role of yourself or your wife.
Male or female, you will doubtless laugh the first time your child urinates directly into your face, but this will wear thin after a few weeks and you will start fantasizing about your child’s 18th birthday.
Poop can be a fluid and as such can be sprayed across a moderately-sized room.
When the teeth start coming, you will not be able to believe the amount of drool one small human can produce. Seriously, this is what it feels like to have a law of thermodynamics violated right into your shoulder.
Contrary to advertising, babies do perspire, and should be flipped occasionally to allow evaporation.
In spite of all this moisture, babies generally smell really nice, especially the drier parts of their heads. You will miss this smell when it’s gone.
Poop — If you and your partner are still talking to each other after all this, most of your conversations will be about poop, so it’s important to have some basics down:
The poop of a newborn looks almost exactly like whole-grain mustard, but does not taste exactly the same. You might consider switching to horseradish for a few months.
For communicating about the day’s main events to your partner, it’s useful to have some shorthand. Feel free to use these terms, and don’t be afraid to invent your own:
The Impacted Triangular Mass
The Gorilla Dump
Zero Movement
The Perfect Sphere
Beetroot
A Single, Lonely Sugarbaby
The Arcing Jet (see ‘Fluids’)
Depleted Uranium
Leisure and hobbies — No, this is not a cruel joke. Okay, maybe it is.
Expect your leisure time to be severely curtailed, mainly because any time which previously was more or less free will now be taken up with hollow laughs and barkings of ‘Leisure time! HAH!’.
Even the smallest babies can be mesmerized by the glow of a television, so this is one area of your leisure activities which need not be impinged upon. Providing you are an avid follower of the Teletubbies.
Once the baby has fallen asleep for the evening, your regular, pre-baby activities can resume. For eleven minutes.
However exciting your hobbies were before the baby came, looking at its face will be better. Note: this is true of the firstborn child only.
Out and about — Sometimes it’s completely unavoidable!
You don’t go out anymore.
If you do go out, your child’s behavior will make you wish you had not. Instead of cringing and apologizing, try to think of yourself as providing a public service by acting as a walking advertisement for abstention.
A trip to the grocery store will take on the logistical complications of landing 154,000 men on the shores of Normandy.
Clothing and appearance — Yours are no longer important.
Little known fact: during the first six months, all parents receive a waiver releasing them from having to wear things right-side-out. Take advantage of this.
Babies look especially good in daft, Engrishy outfits.
No matter how cute you think it is when your toddler puts on your shoes and pretends to be you, the cuteness of this scene when shared drops away according to the following formula:
Female parent of child under 4: 50% cuteness
Male parent of child of under 4: 25% cuteness
Female non-parent: 15% cuteness
Male non-parent: 5% cuteness
Dick Cheney: will devour your child and shoes (i.e., negative cuteness)
Many parents think it’s cute to dress their tiny newborns in onesies with the logos of obscure, hard-core 80’s punk bands on them. Feel free to dissent.
Hand-me-downs rule.
It may bug the living shit out of you to have complete strangers mistaking your little girl/boy for a little boy/girl. Try dressing them in nothing but blue or pink (as appropriate). Or you could just get over it and stop imposing your gender roles.
Your New Life — Things will never be the same again!
Your lower back will never be in better condition than it is today. Enjoy it!
As your child grows into a toddler, your ability to reason with cats will doubtless improve.
Don’t forget: it is possible to become pregnant while nursing. “Safe” sex will take on a whole new meaning, and your attitude toward acceptable risk will see some subtle changes.
Everything you do now is vastly more important than it was before. But no pressure.
Sincere congratulations to our friends Martha & Matt and Jola & Paolo!
Having experienced most of the above apart from “onesies with the logos of obscure, hard-core 80’s punk bands on them” I can safely say this list is spot on and I’m glad my one is 11 not 11 weeks!
LOL
Comment by deviousdiva — Thursday 12 July 07 @ 17.24 MDT+2.00
Bravo!
Comment by Jane — Thursday 12 July 07 @ 20.42 MDT+2.00
i will doubtless refer to this guide many, many times in the near future. and laugh out loud again at normandy, dick cheney, and the thing about cats.
Comment by kilowatthour — Thursday 12 July 07 @ 23.58 MDT+2.00
I suppose this is where we all share our projectile poop stories. Of the kid’s, not our own! Shall I start?
Or we could talk about birth control methods.
Comment by gaoo — Friday 13 July 07 @ 04.11 MDT+2.00
This text could be used as an advertisment for durex :)
Comment by G.I — Friday 13 July 07 @ 12.45 MDT+2.00
This is absolutely brilliant!
Almost persuasive enough to concoct a scheme with the ever-loving wife to go forth and procreate.
Almost.
I’m enjoying, perhaps too much, these moments of quiet interludes.
Comment by DarkoV — Friday 13 July 07 @ 14.49 MDT+2.00
…P.S.,
I will pass this on to the kiddies so they can peruse these notes from the field before they, uhhmm, take to the fields themselves, like bunnies with wiggly noses (and other wiggly body parts).
A ripping yarn about splashes of ice-cold water to the face (and other wiggle body parts).
Comment by DarkoV — Friday 13 July 07 @ 14.52 MDT+2.00
Hej congrats, you are on MeFi! :) I will never forget the look on Fang’s face when littlie Ivan the Terrible peed all over his face, it was dangerously funny…and a damn shame I didn’t have a camera at that moment…for the record, I got peed on but NEVER in the face.
Comment by Katja — Saturday 14 July 07 @ 15.34 MDT+2.00
Amen.
Comment by BoolaMom — Saturday 14 July 07 @ 18.20 MDT+2.00
One good point to note is that the first six months are the easiest. They’re basically lumps – feed them, change them, and there’s not much else to it.
After that things get more complicated. The switch from inert blob to nonstop crawling machine on a mission to seek out stuff to pull down onto its head, can seem like a matter of hours. After that comes walking, talking, and dating, in rapid succession.
So enjoy the first six months.
Comment by Ben — Saturday 14 July 07 @ 18.31 MDT+2.00
Required reading for all parents on a one-way ticket to Parentsville. There is not a word in this article that doesn’t hit home like a Barry Bonds-powered swing to a parent’s sternum.
Comment by taylor payne — Sunday 15 July 07 @ 00.31 MDT+2.00
This got posted to Metafilter today. Brace yourself for commenters who don’t know you’re kidding.
Um, a little bit.
Smooch ‘em for me. And tell M to get her ass over here, STAT. She needs a break, and I need a sister.
Comment by Elsa — Sunday 15 July 07 @ 00.56 MDT+2.00
I am NEVER having kids. You’re right about providing a public service by serving as an ad for abstention. My sisters have both produced children in the past few years and I just find the whole thing to be a frigging nightmare. Even as a kid I didn’t like other kids.
Comment by Craig — Sunday 15 July 07 @ 18.05 MDT+2.00
To paraphrase Hemingway, “anyone who can be deterred from having children should be deterred.”
Comment by sgazzetti — Sunday 15 July 07 @ 20.25 MDT+2.00
I have 3, 27 YO, 20 YO and 18 YO – what they neglected to tell you in this is that the first year is the easiest after that is just gets harder! 8-{D
Comment by frankly — Monday 16 July 07 @ 21.18 MDT+2.00
Corollary to “you don’t go out any more.” You will go out less when the wiggler is older. Immobile and sleeping beats the hell out of jumping, yelling, and flinging.
It’s also the only time in your life when you’re allowed to bring food INTO a restaurant. Don’t limit it to bottles or toddler snacks. Appetizers and can’s of pop can be packed in if your clever.
Comment by Jack — Wednesday 18 July 07 @ 19.50 MDT+2.00
You forgot to mention that at a certain age, around 9-12 months, the child discovers that by throwing its favourite toy out of the cot and screaming about it can induce severe feelings of guilt in the mother and force her to repeatably get out of bed until the small hours of the morning. The child will find this immensly amusing.
As an added entertainment bonus the child will also be highly amused to watch his/her mother berating her husband in the morning who has recently discovered that he has the amazing ability to sleep through anything up to and including a nuclear explosion
Comment by Milander — Friday 28 December 07 @ 17.37 MST+2.00
Malander.. your not supposed to pick the toy up for the child.. It will learn pretty quickly not to throw the toy if you dont get it for him.
Craig… your attitude will change when you have kids.. you will love it.. It is unexplainable the awesome change that will happen in your life. Just get rid of all your preconceived ideas.
Comment by jack — Thursday 31 January 08 @ 11.32 MST+2.00