New baby project
So you’ve gone and made a baby!
Long-time readers of isoglossia.com know that this is perhaps the internet’s number one source for parenting know-how. Or at least the number two source. In the last week two sets of friends have sent the joyous news that they’ve become new parents. Others readers are to follow in the next few months, so I thought it was time to compile some of our most useful parenting know-how into one easy-to-access pile. So to speak. To accomodate these new and soon-to-be parents’ sudden micro-attention spans, I’ve put it in the form of simple bulleted lists.
Fluids — Babies arrive wet with various fluids, and this sets the tone for their first year of life:
Poop — If you and your partner are still talking to each other after all this, most of your conversations will be about poop, so it’s important to have some basics down:
The Impacted Triangular Mass
The Gorilla Dump
Zero Movement
The Perfect Sphere
Beetroot
A Single, Lonely Sugarbaby
The Arcing Jet (see ‘Fluids’)
Depleted Uranium
Leisure and hobbies — No, this is not a cruel joke. Okay, maybe it is.
Out and about — Sometimes it’s completely unavoidable!
Clothing and appearance — Yours are no longer important.
Female parent of child under 4: 50% cuteness
Male parent of child of under 4: 25% cuteness
Female non-parent: 15% cuteness
Male non-parent: 5% cuteness
Dick Cheney: will devour your child and shoes (i.e., negative cuteness)
Your New Life — Things will never be the same again!
Ike: “…to pass without delay or hindrance…”
Discounting as a mere technicality February’s visits to the tiny plots of Polish and U.S. soil enclosed by embassy fences, Saturday marked Ike’s “first trip abroad”, as Magda put it when we were returning from a desultory grocery shopping trip to Italy. Until last week it was not possible for us to shop as a family, but now we’ve finally received his tiny passport:

Probably it is just us, but the tiny baby passport is one gag that never fails to crack us up. And as Holly points out, you have to love the stars on his forehead.
Adam: don’t worry, it’ll make you look like a pirate
And another milestone: as Mama says, “I think this needs to be included in a post — that was a MAJOR BONK.” Three stitches in the side of your mouth later, we are hoping that any scarring will only serve to give you character. More than enough trauma for a Wednesday. Fortuitously, you were wearing your “MEET THE VIKING BOY” shirt, which seemed fitting given all the gore with which it and several local emergency rooms are now festooned. And no, no photos were taken of the gaping wound you briefly had IN THE SIDE OF YOUR FACE. I have learned my lesson.
Having been on the team of three needed to hold you down for the suturing, I am now officially anti-blood-sport.
Just past the eight-week mark and Jeż has doubled his weight. Magda reports via SMS that he now tips the scales at just over 6 kilograms. In contrast, his brother still doesn’t weigh that much. The day of reckoning approaches.
Magda also notes that in this particular outfit he looks like Al Swearengen, which is a fairly chilling thing to say about a two-month-old baby. Yet it is true.



