New baby project

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New baby projectThursday 20 March 2008 11:49

The poop was everywhere

Shitty Teddy gets a wash

Comments number roughly 8
New baby projectSunday 13 January 2008 22:57

31,536,000 seconds…

…of Aleksander.
In this world.

Soon after midnight, to be precise at 0.18, Aleksander will turn one.
One year of joy.
One year of love.
Another year that proved that love, even when supposed to be divided, miraculously multiplies.


Happy birthday, Alek!

bdayalekcollage

New arrival.

Comments number roughly 12
New baby projectThursday 12 July 2007 16:25

So you’ve gone and made a baby!

AJS B&W crop

Long-time readers of isoglossia.com know that this is perhaps the internet’s number one source for parenting know-how. Or at least the number two source. In the last week two sets of friends have sent the joyous news that they’ve become new parents. Others readers are to follow in the next few months, so I thought it was time to compile some of our most useful parenting know-how into one easy-to-access pile. So to speak. To accomodate these new and soon-to-be parents’ sudden micro-attention spans, I’ve put it in the form of simple bulleted lists.

Fluids — Babies arrive wet with various fluids, and this sets the tone for their first year of life:

  • You are now going to have vomit on you. This is not exactly permanent, but settle in for the long-term. Accepting this will be an important step.
  • When you cease being covered with vomit you won’t notice for a while.
  • ‘Vomit’ here is typically a curd-like product resembling yogurt. You may stop eating yogurt for a while.
  • You should visit a 24-hour dairy in order to acclimate yourself to the most important new parenting role of yourself or your wife.
  • Male or female, you will doubtless laugh the first time your child urinates directly into your face, but this will wear thin after a few weeks and you will start fantasizing about your child’s 18th birthday.
  • Poop can be a fluid and as such can be sprayed across a moderately-sized room.
  • When the teeth start coming, you will not be able to believe the amount of drool one small human can produce. Seriously, this is what it feels like to have a law of thermodynamics violated right into your shoulder.
  • Contrary to advertising, babies do perspire, and should be flipped occasionally to allow evaporation.
  • In spite of all this moisture, babies generally smell really nice, especially the drier parts of their heads. You will miss this smell when it’s gone.

    • Poop — If you and your partner are still talking to each other after all this, most of your conversations will be about poop, so it’s important to have some basics down:

  • The poop of a newborn looks almost exactly like whole-grain mustard, but does not taste exactly the same. You might consider switching to horseradish for a few months.
  • For communicating about the day’s main events to your partner, it’s useful to have some shorthand. Feel free to use these terms, and don’t be afraid to invent your own:

    The Impacted Triangular Mass
    The Gorilla Dump
    Zero Movement
    The Perfect Sphere
    Beetroot
    A Single, Lonely Sugarbaby
    The Arcing Jet (see ‘Fluids’)
    Depleted Uranium

    • Leisure and hobbies — No, this is not a cruel joke. Okay, maybe it is.

  • Expect your leisure time to be severely curtailed, mainly because any time which previously was more or less free will now be taken up with hollow laughs and barkings of ‘Leisure time! HAH!’.
  • Even the smallest babies can be mesmerized by the glow of a television, so this is one area of your leisure activities which need not be impinged upon. Providing you are an avid follower of the Teletubbies.
  • Once the baby has fallen asleep for the evening, your regular, pre-baby activities can resume. For eleven minutes.
  • However exciting your hobbies were before the baby came, looking at its face will be better. Note: this is true of the firstborn child only.

    • Out and about — Sometimes it’s completely unavoidable!

  • You don’t go out anymore.
  • If you do go out, your child’s behavior will make you wish you had not. Instead of cringing and apologizing, try to think of yourself as providing a public service by acting as a walking advertisement for abstention.
  • A trip to the grocery store will take on the logistical complications of landing 154,000 men on the shores of Normandy.

    • Clothing and appearance — Yours are no longer important.

  • Little known fact: during the first six months, all parents receive a waiver releasing them from having to wear things right-side-out. Take advantage of this.
  • Babies look especially good in daft, Engrishy outfits.
  • No matter how cute you think it is when your toddler puts on your shoes and pretends to be you, the cuteness of this scene when shared drops away according to the following formula:

    Female parent of child under 4: 50% cuteness
    Male parent of child of under 4: 25% cuteness
    Female non-parent: 15% cuteness
    Male non-parent: 5% cuteness
    Dick Cheney: will devour your child and shoes (i.e., negative cuteness)

  • Many parents think it’s cute to dress their tiny newborns in onesies with the logos of obscure, hard-core 80’s punk bands on them. Feel free to dissent.
  • Hand-me-downs rule.
  • It may bug the living shit out of you to have complete strangers mistaking your little girl/boy for a little boy/girl. Try dressing them in nothing but blue or pink (as appropriate). Or you could just get over it and stop imposing your gender roles.

    • Your New Life — Things will never be the same again!

  • Your lower back will never be in better condition than it is today. Enjoy it!
  • As your child grows into a toddler, your ability to reason with cats will doubtless improve.
  • Don’t forget: it is possible to become pregnant while nursing. “Safe” sex will take on a whole new meaning, and your attitude toward acceptable risk will see some subtle changes.
  • Everything you do now is vastly more important than it was before. But no pressure.

    • Sincere congratulations to our friends Martha & Matt and Jola & Paolo!

    Comments number roughly 18
    Adam's progress & New baby projectThursday 5 April 2007 06:40

    Tiny milestones

    Ike: “…to pass without delay or hindrance…”

    Discounting as a mere technicality February’s visits to the tiny plots of Polish and U.S. soil enclosed by embassy fences, Saturday marked Ike’s “first trip abroad”, as Magda put it when we were returning from a desultory grocery shopping trip to Italy. Until last week it was not possible for us to shop as a family, but now we’ve finally received his tiny passport:

    Ike's potni list adjusted.jpg

    Probably it is just us, but the tiny baby passport is one gag that never fails to crack us up. And as Holly points out, you have to love the stars on his forehead.

    Adam: don’t worry, it’ll make you look like a pirate

    And another milestone: as Mama says, “I think this needs to be included in a post — that was a MAJOR BONK.” Three stitches in the side of your mouth later, we are hoping that any scarring will only serve to give you character. More than enough trauma for a Wednesday. Fortuitously, you were wearing your “MEET THE VIKING BOY” shirt, which seemed fitting given all the gore with which it and several local emergency rooms are now festooned. And no, no photos were taken of the gaping wound you briefly had IN THE SIDE OF YOUR FACE. I have learned my lesson.

    Having been on the team of three needed to hold you down for the suturing, I am now officially anti-blood-sport.

    Comments number roughly 13
    New baby projectTuesday 20 March 2007 15:19

    Increase in chins

    Jez as Swearengen, back

    Just past the eight-week mark and Jeż has doubled his weight. Magda reports via SMS that he now tips the scales at just over 6 kilograms. In contrast, his brother still doesn’t weigh that much. The day of reckoning approaches.

    Magda also notes that in this particular outfit he looks like Al Swearengen, which is a fairly chilling thing to say about a two-month-old baby. Yet it is true.

    Comments number roughly 11

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