‘Your sons are killing me’ 30/5
Boys, I think I would have to say that the highlight of the last month was definitely when Alek threw up into Adam’s mouth. What made this event so especially uplifting was how richly and urgently Adam deserved it. We had never known exactly how passive-aggressive the act of kissing one’s sibling could be.
Now we know.
This has been the month during which the issue of jealousy has finally risen to the surface like scum on bone soup. This was also the month in which Alek began to assert a new element in his character, the one which compelled his mother to announce to me just a few mornings ago, “Alek is officially an asshole”. Strong words, you may be saying, but a little context: he woke her up at 3:00 am. ‘Milk’, you’re saying, ‘baby wanted a little milk, perfectly natural’. ‘Teething’, I hear from some of you. ‘Poor little baby’s already growing teeth. You try sleeping through that kind of pain.’ There are many, many legitimate reasons a baby may be forgiven for waking up in the middle of the night, but wanting to play does not fall under legitimate, not in our house.
Alek has discovered boredom. He finds he does not like it.
We made lots of mistakes with Adam (and are still making them, surely). High on the list of things you should never do to a baby is to teach it that it has a natural right to being carried about during every waking second for sheer entertainment. This was a huge mistake with Adam. In our defence, we would have done ANYTHING to stop the never-ending baby-fox-in-leghold-trap keening of the little monster. Alek is quieter by an order of magnitude, but he is also many times denser. Carrying him around all the time is just not on the table. We will need our arms during retirement.
On the other hand, in the arms of one or the other of us is essentially the only place where Alek is safe from Adam’s ever-escalating depredations.
Density: Alek weighs now what Adam tipped the scales at at the age of one year. Alek weighs now triple what he weighed at birth five months ago. Alek weighs nine kilos (20 pounds!). Alek weighs too much. This continues to be in stark contrast to his older brother, Stick Man:
Much do they have in common, but they are clearly also very different creatures. So the Stick Man wonders about the Fat Man — wonders, for example, what it would be like to poke the eyes out of the Fat Man — just out of curiosity. He is not averse to similar probings of the roof of the Fat Man’s mouth, the interiors of his ears, and various other orifices that present themselves. He performs experiments concerning the elasticity of the Fat Man’s facial skin, earlobes, and other stretchy bits. Does the Fat Man bruise easily? Let’s find out! There are cracks upon the head, again strictly in the name of research — research into how best to mitigate the dreadful jealousy.
Let’s just say that there’s been a lot of howling, from both parties, and plenty of punishments in the last month. But if being a parent has taught me nothing else, it has shown that sometimes the best punishment of all is someone else’s vomit finding its way into your mouth.
Created with Paul’s flickrSLiDR.
I love children. Other people’s children.
Comment by Jane — Wednesday 13 June 07 @ 19.09 MDT+2.00
Jane, Nancy Mitford said “I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.”
Comment by Elsa — Thursday 14 June 07 @ 00.56 MDT+2.00
I love watching your children growing up, through the monthly reports. And every time I read one, I dread the day I have any of mine. I’ve always wanted identical twin boys, at least they won’t be jealous of each other (hopefully!)
Alek looks fierce and I believe he can indeed defend himself better than you can protect him ;)
Comment by Idaki — Thursday 14 June 07 @ 12.23 MDT+2.00
Elsa: I resemble that.
In fact, I really do love children but I wonder about my ability to take care of them since it require a degree of patience (among other things) that I am absolutely certain I do not have. I have long since decided that it would be best for everyone if I continue to be a bemused bystander.
Comment by Jane — Thursday 14 June 07 @ 14.46 MDT+2.00
My first thought was “Good luck, Pal; you are going to need it”. My second thought was “You lucky son-of-a-gun!”
Comment by Paul Rasmussen — Friday 15 June 07 @ 00.33 MDT+2.00
Good heavens. I think Alek could kick my ass.
We’re going to start trying to get pregnant again in a few months, unless you continue this level of discouragement. So is currently insisting that we produce only a female sibling for him, so I’ve instructed T that he cannot fail on this point.
Comment by jdog — Friday 15 June 07 @ 09.20 MDT+2.00
Idaki: we once thought twins would be the best thing that could happen. After Adam arrived, though, we were all, how would THAT work, exactly?
Paul: correct on both counts.
jdog: good luck! And if you learn the secret of selectively breeding females, please let us know.
Comment by sgazzetti — Friday 15 June 07 @ 09.31 MDT+2.00
My father knows that secret: he’s produced three daughters. However, he’s too busy defending his anti-known-biology theory that the woman is to blame, instead of documenting his method!! I’ve told him time and again that he just had strong whole swimmers, he won’t budge…
Of course, twenty-odd years later, he admits he wouldn’t change us for any son in the world hehe!
;)
Comment by Idaki — Friday 15 June 07 @ 14.48 MDT+2.00