Violations II
Branding violation
Any Slovenian beer consumer can tell you that this constitutes a serious violation. It just isn’t done. Present a Laško drinker with an Union-logoed glass and he is as likely to urinate into it as drink from it. And vice-versa. Or something.
Reasonable expectation of respect for the social construct violation
We all have one, yes? A colleague whose mobile phone rings on average every seven minutes? And this person never seems able to find the volume down control, let alone the vibrate setting. And this person’s office doorway, which is never graced with a closed door, is directly across from yours. And one day this person, who is not six years old all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding* decides that the default ringtone for all of her 205.7 daily incoming phone calls should be set to “Crazy Frog”.
(If you do not know what Crazy Frog is, I want to be you, and do not for the love of god click on this link.)
*When I tell Magda this, that Colleague X has put the Crazy Frog ringtone into her phone, she asks me, “How old is she?” in the way that one does not when expecting an answer but rather to point out the contrast between five and 35.
Genitale verite violation
You would think that at a large Italian supermarket it would not be all that difficult to find some nice, wholesome toddler-appropriate toys, the kind that do not go far out of their way to educate, the kind that are not overly concerned with representing the world as it actually is, nature red in tooth and claw and so forth, but then you would not have bought the Wild Animals pack which Adam spent a good part of Saturday morning trying to gnaw his way into, sort of like a wild animal. When we finally reached the checkout I ripped the packet open to reveal three big cats, a zebra, giraffe, rhinoceros, and an alarmingly biologically correct Cape buffalo. Spay and neuter your pets and Cape buffalo!
If you press on that, does a giant red “hm-hm” come out?
Sigh. Would that American Ken (eunuch!) dolls in my youth had been so graced.
Comment by jdog — Wednesday 20 September 06 @ 10.42 MDT+2.00
There ought to be some way to rig something up so that every single time Crazy Frog’s phone rings, a large printout of the buffalo’s backside unfurls directly in front of her face.
Barring that, you could ask to see her phone and marvel over how cool it is while simultaneously resetting the sound volume (”Hey, what happens if I do this? Oh! Well. Would you look at that?”). Or you could, once the phone is in hand, take off running with it.
Comment by Jane — Wednesday 20 September 06 @ 11.40 MDT+2.00
Or! Or! flush it down the toilet. Just thought of that.
You’ve given me one little passive-aggressive idea, though, Jane: I’ll start referring to/addressing Colleague X as “Crazy Frog”, as in, “is Crazy Frog in her office?” or “hey, Crazy Frog, have you finished that report yet?” and so on. That will make me whole again.
And jdog, since you DID ask, the crank matches the sprockets, if you know what I’m saying.
Comment by sgazzetti — Wednesday 20 September 06 @ 13.11 MDT+2.00
Excellent.
Comment by Jagosaurus — Wednesday 20 September 06 @ 13.34 MDT+2.00
The American equivalent of that branding violation would be pouring Duff in a Fudd-logoed glass.
The social construct violation would be having your toddler sitting at the bar.
Comment by Sarcastro — Wednesday 20 September 06 @ 14.26 MDT+2.00
Actually, Sarcastro, I keep him around for the peeing-in-the-glass part of the exercise.
Comment by sgazzetti — Wednesday 20 September 06 @ 17.01 MDT+2.00
Ahh, such an encouraging dad. First, have him try the glass. Then, after repeated success and demonstration of a sure hand, on to the more difficult filling of the bottle.
It’s never too early for hand-eye co-ordination exercises and, what with your use of practical daily items, you, sir, may be qualified to be a Montessori teacher.
Comment by DarkoV — Wednesday 20 September 06 @ 17.53 MDT+2.00
One more thing. Do you classify yourself as a Metrosexual? Just noticed how well manicured your hands are. Is that a prerequisite for drinking Zlatorog? Does the waiter ask you to spread your fingers for inspection prior to ordering?
Comment by DarkoV — Wednesday 20 September 06 @ 17.57 MDT+2.00
To come to J’s defense: we weren’t sitting *at the bar*, we were sitting at *a table in the bar*. And we didn’t let Adam palm the dirty ashtray on the table. So there.
Comment by Emily — Thursday 21 September 06 @ 08.17 MDT+2.00
It’s alright. I used to go to bars all the time with my dad, and I’m fine. Only moderately obsessed with toy penises, but otherwise just fine.
Comment by jdog — Thursday 21 September 06 @ 08.40 MDT+2.00
Darko: as far as classifying myself, given that I live in Nova Frickin’ Gorica, any word beginning with “metro-” is likely to be less than apt. And since we have a toddler, any word containing “-sexual” is going to be nothing more than a fond memory…
The manicure is always provided courtesy of Victorinox/Swiss Army Knife, with whom I have no agreement regarding promotional considerations and from whom I do not expect any compensation for this mention.
Comment by sgazzetti — Thursday 21 September 06 @ 09.02 MDT+2.00
You do look rather like a hand model in that photo. Is that…? Is it…Blue Steel??
Comment by jdog — Thursday 21 September 06 @ 10.55 MDT+2.00
You’re thinking of STAINLESS steel.
Comment by sgazzetti — Thursday 21 September 06 @ 14.50 MDT+2.00
What’s Crazy Frog? I clicked on the link, what do I have to click on to hear the ringtone?
The beer glass problem is easily circumvented. Just drink out of the bottle.
Comment by Jean — Thursday 21 September 06 @ 20.27 MDT+2.00
Look.
I am pretty sure I said do NOT click on that link.
If you really are dead set on defiling your ears by hearing the Crazy Frog ringtone, you have two options: you can travel back in time 18 months to when it was popular and ubiquitous; or you can come sit in my office for no more than six minutes and fifty-nine seconds.
Of these options, I strongly recommend neither.
Comment by sgazzetti — Friday 22 September 06 @ 10.49 MDT+2.00