Monster-proofing
In Adam’s birthday post I mentioned the topic of baby-proofing. Mostly in the context of how we had not actually done much of it, other than moving our Ming vase collection to the top of the wardrobe. I also price-checked all the high-tech baby-defeating countermeasures we picked up at the Baby Center (really, that’s the name of the shop — which always makes us want to go in and buy another baby. Well, not always). Imagine my dismay, okay, my Malkoviching, when I went to install the cabinet locks and found that they were overdesigned for our cabinets. So damn fussy. So with the help of beer I devised some home-brewed baby-defeating countermeasures. The first image is a close-up of what we call the Cranium De-Bonker.
Yes, we had purchased ready-made, self-adhesive silicone corner protectors (actually baby-skull protectors, I guess), but the little Malkovich tore them off and ate them before you could say Malkovich Malkovich. Not that he doesn’t pull this artificial Italian cork off from time to time, but it seems that the high-tech store-boughts had greater allure. This area, in the corner by the desk, used to be a major Bonking Zone since there are so many fascinating drawers to pillage. Much safer now. Note: artificial corks are better suited to this use than the real, oak tree-originating sort. Got to love that thermoplastic elastomer. And a sharp X-Acto knife. Also: we used that crappy shiny tape, not the “invisible” stuff brought to you by Scotsmen. Better tensile strength.
Next up is what we call the Rubbish Bin-Ban. This came about because the cabinet locks we bought wouldn’t work in this particular space, so a little wire coat-hanger, a Leatherman® for the bendy, and another cork, and you’re home and dry. Prevents between-meal snacking. Also unauthorized disposal of passports, iPods, and the like. One thing about this hack that we are particularly proud of is the fact that we didn’t need to drill any holes in our (rented) fancy kitchen installation; the wire is attached to the cabinet door by means of the same screw that holds the handle on. Note the angle cut on the top of the cork. Shoot for 37.5°. I should point out that the plastic cork was Magda’s refinement to my original, pointy-wire and not so effective installation.
Another view of the Rubbish Bin-Ban. It takes a little fiddling to get the angles, amount of bend, etc. just right, but this now works as well as or better than a commercial cabinet lock. When we used our knees to keep the door shut it led to Great Howling, but with this thing in place he’s just come to accept that the smeti is now a no-go zone. And he’s lost weight!
Finally, remember those drawers so ripe for pillaging? Something really had to be done about that. I came to this decision when I caught Adam right on the verge of eating an irreplaceable photograph of my recently late father c. 1964. And my (less-recently late, but still) grandfather’s Minox B. His drive to empty the desk drawers and consume, or at least taste, the entire contents is nothing short of evangelical. The top drawer, shown here, holds various photographic crapola, batteries and chargers, cables, used syringes, ebola cultures, and more of Adam’s favorite snack foods. This set of drawers is a cheap chipboard Ikea product, so I could have drilled the holes for installing the cabinet locks, but with Adam insistent on helping me with this installation, I needed something simple and quick. And what is simpler and quicker than self-stick Velcro®? Thus, the Crap-De-Baby-er was born.
Here’s the Crap-De-Baby-er in its closed, baby-proof configuration. It’s the very model of simplicity: about 6 cm of ‘hook’ on the outside of the drawer, and 18 cm of ‘loop’. 2/3 of the loop bit is doubled back on itself, sticky-side to sticky-side, and the remaining stickiness is adhered to the inside of the carcase. (Yes, that’s really the word for that part of the piece of furniture). Of course, this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of places we need to make off-limits to his snacking and destruction. For instance, do you think for a minute that that scanner is not overdue for some self-stick Velcro® of its own? Plus, he still loves to put his head in the pralni stroj.
My last anally-retentive low-tech project involved our now-obsolete CD collection.
Your solutions are quite elegant in their low-techiness. My parents had to do similar thing when I was little but this was back in the early 1970s so the solutions involved less technology and more bulk. One of the bedroom sets had these sort of rhino horn thingies on the posts that were perfect for perforating and impaling the human torso, so those were wrapped in paper towels (I believe) and then super-wrapped with packing tape. Attractive? No. Effective? You betcha.
Also, I think the leatherman might be the greatest invention ever.
Comment by Jane — Tuesday 10 January 06 @ 17.58 MST+2.00
Love this posting! My little guy is just starting to do quite the clip crawling backwards so my monster-proofing efforts need to be stepped up this weekend! And if I need wine corks, well, there’s only one way to get those…
Any other tips I need???
Thxxxxxx!!!
Kris
Comment by Kris — Thursday 12 January 06 @ 04.55 MST+2.00
And I’ve posted a link on the Bored Housewives Network to this posting… http://boredhousewives.blogspot.com/
Stole that wonderful pic!!
Kris
Comment by Kris — Thursday 12 January 06 @ 05.10 MST+2.00
I seem to remember tennis balls stuffed onto the prongs at the end of the old cast iron radiators in Pittsburgh. I also remember a neighbor child badly breaking a leg just by falling off the bed. And don’t get me started on collarbones.
Comment by gaoo — Friday 13 January 06 @ 21.52 MST+2.00
So Gaoo, how about collarbones? ;-)
Comment by Rip — Tuesday 17 January 06 @ 02.20 MST+2.00
I have a 5yr old at home and, I must admit, I would have used some of the solutions you invented back in the day. Indeed, the baby proofing thingies you can buy at Kids’R'Us or elsewhere are quite crappy and (surprise, surprise) $$$.
Lovely pictures! How do you post process them? I’ve used PS as long as I remember but never got the lovely sharpening you have on most of yours. Mine was always too weak or too strong.
Cheers,
Pawel
Comment by Pawel — Thursday 19 January 06 @ 01.41 MST+2.00
Thanks, Pawel. We typically do very little post-processing on our pictures, other than cropping or adjusting brightness/contrast. Generally what you’re seeing are the pictures exactly as they come out of the camera.
Comment by sgazzetti — Thursday 19 January 06 @ 08.56 MST+2.00
You are geniuses! Freakin’ geniuses!
My 3-year-old is mostly past the stage where this stuff is needed, but what I would have done for this info when she was plundering the home office and I was prying binder clips from her tiny mouth.
Comment by Karen — Monday 27 February 06 @ 01.59 MST+2.00
Very cool. Except…our baby is obsessed with opening velcro. Well, the other things rock, anyway.
Comment by Alex — Saturday 7 June 08 @ 05.35 MDT+2.00