Recently I was asked to pass on to a young man currently residing under our roof some some words of advice from my vast store of wisdom. The topic of discourse: the manly art of shaving and the rite of passage that is a youth’s first shave. Magda said to me, “Shave that big bastard.” Actually, first she said, “Shave that bastard,” but I had to ask for clarification as to which bastard she wanted shaved, since she oftens refers to our baby Adam (inaccurately, I might add) as “the little bastard.” But when she appended the word ‘big’ I knew which bastard she meant. Yet I digress.

A young man’s first shave is a small act of personal hygiene, yet symbolically it is a great stride which ushers him into the halls of Manhood. From this there is no turning back. He must embrace all the trappings of adulthood, the responsibilities as well as the benefits that will grow with each passing day, as does his beard. Though slowly at first. He must turn his back on the trappings of childhood, except Grand Theft Auto, which is rated “Mature”. In observation of this momentous occasion, I have put together some thoughts that I hope can be of benefit to all the testosterone-swollen youth of the internet as they contemplate undertaking this awesome ritual of manhood for the first time.

  • Before you begin to shave, it is important to ask yourself, “Do I really want to shave? Do I? Every goddamn day?”
  • See if you can find a profession that will allow you to forego shaving. For example, cough drop manufacturing or Montana-cabin-based Luddite manifesto authoring.
  • Remember that once you start to shave, you can never stop. The first gentle pass of the razor will call forth the hair in great fury. Once taken up, this habit can never be laid aside, unless you want to be a hairy freak.
  • Like everything else in life, no matter how good a job you do, you will have to do it again tomorrow. Or Monday at the latest.
  • If you must shave, make sure that the cat’s fur is completely saturated with flea mousse before you start.
  • Good tools are important to success in many walks of life, and shaving is no different. Buy a razor with the highest number of blades you can afford. Occam’s razor is a very popular model.
  • Be especially wary as you shave the area around the Adam’s apple. You may also find some small hairs just below this, but be sure to stop above the navel.
  • When you are shaving for an especially important event, such as a job interview or your first wedding, plan to wear a red shirt.
  • Shaving is like skiing: it is strenuous, dangerous, and you are usually too cold to do it well. Also, the best part is the aprés ski — or in this case, the aftershave. Choose an aftershave that reflects your personality: woodsy, citrusy, musky, malty, or goaty.
  • When applying aftershave and cologne, the rule is, if it doesn’t hurt, you haven’t put enough on.